An uncanny ability to strike up a natural conversation with anyone, and within any situation, remains a wonderfully useful and much coveted lifeskill to possess; and one that is quite realistically obtainable by all with a few key pointers.
Being a Natural Conversationalist will pay back high dividends over your lifetime and enable you to meet many interesting and varied characters throughout your journey. The good news is that it is not just a skill that some are born with and others aren’t – fortunately for us, it is a skill that can be learnt, practiced and improved.
The Natural Conversationalist Action Plan
1. Smile.
Smiling is half the battle…seriously.
Smiling has two core advantages. Externally, smiling lights up your face and instantly makes you more friendly and approachable, which helps people to relax in your presence. Internally it also helps you lighten up and feel more relaxed ensuring that you also come across more naturally both in conversation and body posture, even if you are feeling nervous.
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Look for an “in.”
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The key to initiating a conversation is always to have a natural first opening line or “in”.
The traditional “Hi…my name is…” or “What’s you’re name…” are not natural and come across as forced. Finding out the other persons name is important but should never be the very first thing. Try to find something subtle but personal to the individual with whom you wish to strike up a conversation with which you can use to initiate the conversation; a tattoo, a lettered necklace or something your genuinely admire about them are great options to initiate a conversation through a question or passing compliment. With a little observation and prior planning a natural “in” can be created very easily.
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Use their name.
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A persons name is the most important and sweet sounding word they could ever hear from you.
Using a persons first name will help create a natural rep-or. In the early stages of the conversation ensure that you learn their first name and then try to use it naturally in conversation at least a few times in the first few minutes. “So tell me Lisa…how long have you been working here?” “Ahh now the thing is Lisa, that…” This simple technique is one of the most powerful for creating strong repor right from the beggining.
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It’s a level playing field.
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Remember, most people are willing to talk with a stranger but few are willing to initiate the conversation.
You need to become the initiator. In my experience, almost everyone I ever talk to are more than happy to engage in conversation with a stranger if the person that initiates the conversation comes across as happy, engaging and lighthearted.
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Be humorous.
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Some people are naturally funny, others less so, but that shouldn’t put people off using a bit of humor in conversation.
Humor helps to relax people and is a very attractive quality in both sexes. Just be careful if you have a slightly less conventional sense of humor…best to keep that under wraps until they get to know you a bit better.
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Let them talk.
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People love to talk about themselves, even to complete strangers.
Sometimes striking up a conversation is as easy as having the confidence to ask a question and then genuinely listen to the reply without butting in with your own thoughts, comments and stories. Being a good listener is an extremely attractive quality. Learn to listen, it is one of the most important and most difficult of skills to hone but will become one of the most powerful and most attractive qualities you possess.
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Practice won’t kill you.
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I personally do not like the phrase “practice makes perfect” as there really is no such thing as a perfect conversation with a stranger.
Instead how about focusing on the phrase “practice won’t kill you” as this rings truer.
There are two main reasons a conversation may not work…1. There is you and then 2. there is the other person. Don’t think that you are the only one in the hotseat when striking up a conversation, more often then not it is actually you who should be more relaxed as you are more prepared after all. Even if it does all go horribly wrong then sometimes its best to come clean, explain that you are sorry but you are not very good at talking with strangers and was just trying to get better and you thought they seemed like an interesting person. Sometimes the sympathy play really does work wonders. If all else fails just walk away, chances are you will never see that person every again so no worries, time to find someone else.
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Don’t Fake It.
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See what works best for you.
Develop your own unique style. The only hard and fast rule for speaking to strangers is to ensure that you are being sincere. Insincerity is very easily picked up and things will not go well if you are only talking to them to get something out of the deal just for yourself. This is never the attitude you should take into any conversation you have with anyone, stranger or friend.
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I guess I have to develop my humor and restrict my being selfishly talkative.
There are people who were born with this abilities and I lack the most.
Excellent post Jonny. It is amazing where this one (learnable) skill can take you. I find one of the best ways to have a conversation is purely by asking questions. you can have a 10-15 minute conversation just from asking 3-5 questions and that’s it. You can also learn so much from another person in a simple 10 minute conversation.
Just as Michael Port says ” Human’s as a race have a LOT more in common than they don’t have in common”. The key is finding what you do have in common, easiest done through asking questions.
Communication is essential to finding happiness within this planet. Smiling is the best way to break the ice, because it tells the other person you accept them. A feeling of acceptance is what we are all fighting for in the end. Without talking to people on a daily basis, you become shy, anxious and unimportant. Most people think, stranger should talk to them first. But we all have to give to receive, so it important to initiate the conversation first.
Keep you attitude positive and focused on the end result you desire. Doing so will increase your confidence and allow you to speak your mind freely and effortlessly.
This is what I’ve been looking for all my life! I find that once you change your entire attitude about life to a more positive one, lots of things above come naturally.
Great post!
Thanks for taking the time to comment guys. It is encouraging to know that people are enjoying my posts and its great to here your own feedback on the topic.
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good points. talking to strangers can be so pleasant and change your day. i get the fear of initiating a lot unfortunately. then i push the whole idea of talking to strangers out of the realm of possibilities and stay in my own introverted world. your post is a good reminder to make more of an effort and push through the fear.
Hi Jeff, welcome to the site.
Everyone has some sort of fear in initialising conversation because the fear is based on the risk of failure, which is definitely always present. However, that being said, the more you work on overcoming that fear, which using some of these tips will definitely help, the easier and easier it becomes.
Thanks for stopping by.