Some Bad Ass Travel Tips To Let You Be A Smug Bar-stuard Even In The Company Of Seasoned Travelers

3 Months, Thousands of Miles, Hundreds of Taxis, Tens of Buses, Five Boats, Four Planes, Three Trains, 2 Police Bribes, 1 Elephant and a pair of home made wooden crutches later and I give you-

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How to be a smug barstuart traveler 101 – A travelers list to help you be an incredibly smug know it all when you do your own traveling.

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Without further ado – Enjoy, and add your own at the bottom in the comments if you have any. I need more for my next 3 month trip round India.

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Smug Bar-stuard Travel Tip 1: Get on and off public transport last.

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Right this is a big one, especially for planes.

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Whatever your do, even if you have to kick a old granny to ensure it, make sure you are the last one onto any and all modes of transport.

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Do this and you will soon be introduced to a world of privilege and smugness that few first class travelers can gloat about. (NB, This blog does not advocate kicking old ladies, unless they are really asking for it.)

Apart from the obviously advantage of not having to wait in long lines for incredible amounts of time before actually boarding your chosen mode of transport, it also very sneakily ensures that you are the most likely person to get that extra leg room window seat that everyone has been enviously eyeing but are all waiting until the last person is on in order to ask if they could sit there should no one else be. Especially on planes, I love getting on last without stress and then casually eying an empty emergency seat and asking the air stewardess if I could possible takes the seat as I am the last one on the plane.

Getting off is the same, you have already travelled for many hours, why jump up with everyone else in a mad, heated grab for finding your luggage and getting away. Sit calmly and wait until you are the last to leave and then simple pick up the last bag in the overheads and casually alight without being elbowed in every possible part of your body. Its like first class travel with no hassle.

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Smug Bar-stuard Travel Tip 2: Do Not Drink Before Getting Onto Buses, Boats or anything that moves, Elephants Included.

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I know this seems simple and I am sure it has been drilled into you from an early age that you must always got to the toilet before travel but, trust me, this is not enough.

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Especially in third world countries where toilets breaks tend to be non existent and poor roads cause hours of jiggling that your bladder is just not designed to withhold.

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Do yourself a favour and make sure that old bladder is as empty as the void of space and then look round with smugness as you see the discomfort of others trying to look natural while having desperately needed the toilet for the last 3 hours.

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Smug Bar-stuard Travel Tip 3: Never Miss An Opportunity For A Toilet Break

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This goes hand in hand with Tip 2.

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Missing a toilet break on a 14 hour coach ride across Cambodia is as good to your health and well being as wrestling a pack of angry crocodiles in murky water with just a pair of speedos and no goggles.

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Smug Bar-stuard Travel Tip 4: Don’t wear Underwear

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Possibly one for just the boys but hear me out. For the last 3 months I have not worn two things – shoes and underwear. I know I know.

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I have been wearing swimwear shorts (with netting ladies) and I can tell you it is the very best, I mean very best thing you can wear in hot countries.

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Swimwear board shorts are incredibly light, are incredibly good at not getting dirty and are easy to clean anyway, keeps everything tucked in and supported properly (you know what I mean people) and means you are never unprepared for a quick dip. Swim shorts are the James Bond of bottom wear in hot countries.

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Smug Bar-stuard Travel Tip 5: You Don’t Need More That A 15 Litre Rucksack To Travel Anywhere For Any Period Of Time

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I know you don’t believe me but it is true. You really need very little when traveling, especially in cheap countries. I have done a lot of traveling recently and have got by perfectly well with a 5 litre bag for even 3 weeks of traveling. Two pairs of swim shorts, a couple of pairs of tshirts, a cap and a set of flipflops is really all you need.

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Cheap laundry places are in abundance, guesthouses have towels and wash gear, extra clothes should you need them can be bought for pennies and then discarded.

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The trick is to have next to nothing, it makes trips very stress free and has the added advantage that you do not get caught in the massive queues waiting to put on and take off baggage. There is next to nothing that you can not bring and then not buy very cheaply when on the move.

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Smug Bar-stuard Travel Tip 5: Ignore Guidebooks – Yes, Even The Lonely Planet

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I realise that this is sacrilege to most people reading this but I am campaigning to get rid of travel books.

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People, stop following these out of date guides like sheep, all travelers being herded to the same guest houses, the same attractions, the same bars and pups.

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Do yourself a favour, burn the loney planet and go and ask a local to lay it out for you on where the best places are, what there is to do and the best attractions. It is amazing how many locals I have talked to that seem to think the Lonely Planet is crazy and can’t understand why people are missing out on some of the best bits their town has to offer in order to follow all the other ferangs.

If you want to spend your entire trip with other travellers, eating substandard mass produced food and walking the very well trodden path then read the Lonely Planet, but if you want something different and actually want to experience something get your box of matches – You know what to do.

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Smug Bar-stuard Travel Tip 6: Always Move Outside

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This goes for everywhere in the world, whether in an airport or having just been dropped off in a coach at a cafe on the side of a road.

Do not pick up a taxi from the airport departure lounge and do not eat at the cafe the bus drops you off at. In the airport, head for the departures section of the airport and jump into any taxi that has just dropped someone off.

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They will be appreciative of the fare back to the city and you will not be raped by the airport markup on the taxis in the arrivals lounge.

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When the coaches drop you off you need to be aware that they are being paid commission to drop you at that cafe. The prices are more expensive and the food is low quality because they have a captive audience and don’t need to be competitive.

So you can be smug, get a much better deal by walking away for 5 – 10 minutes and find somewhere off the beaten path. It will be cheaper, better quality and free from your fellow travelers.

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Smug Bar-stuard Travel Tip 7: Always ask for the Chef Special

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Ok, I have had over 150 restaurant meals in the last three months and I can guarantee that the very best way to ensure you taste the very best meals while traveling is to ask the waiter what the chefs best dish is. If he doesn’t know than politely ask him to go and check.

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It is the greatest compliment the chef can receive to hear that a customer would like to know his recommendation and order that.

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Not only are you going to get some incredibly varied food but your will also have a chef who is determined to create a taste sensation just for you because you took the time to appreciate his gifting and talent. Remember, always to try and show your appreciation to the chef personally if you have enjoyed the food. It is 2 minutes out of your time but a great great blessing to the chef.

When in a group it is worthwhile giving the waiter or chef a price amount you are willing to spend and then asking them to layout the very best spread of foods and tastes for the group. This will get you the chef paying special attention to your parties food and also you will tend to find that the staff are so overjoyed to be able to do it that they throw in alot more food then you pay for.

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Smug Bar-stuard Travel Tip 8: Always half whatever price you are offered – Always

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This is the core tip for haggling. Always half whatever offer you are given.

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You are a foreigner. You are being ripped off. Even at half their initial offer, you are being ripped off but accept it.

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Usually they will try to negotiate a lot higher but I would never pay more that 60% of their opening bid. If they say no, just walk away…90% of the time they will call you back. You can get prices down to the 30-40% of opening bid mark but I have found that in my experience this is just not worth the time and effort.

The easiest haggles go something like this:

The shirt, How much?

400 Bhat

No, 200 Bhat

200 Bhat, I can’t sell at that,I have (any number of excuses) 350 is my lowest price.

I’ll give you 220 final offer. I can’t do that.

No deal.

Ok, thanks for you time, i’ll check this guy out over the road.

Wait, wait. 300 and we have a deal.

225.

Ok

Generally this is how it goes and you get 45-50% of in a few seconds of negotiation. Looks awesome if your with a girl as well, Bond like badass fellas.

So there you go, eight quick tips for being able to act like a smug barstaurd among fellow travelers. I would love to hear your own from your experience so throw them into the comments below. If there are enough I will create another post with all the best ones on and obviously credit the authors. Look out for the next post, it’s going to be huge.

Peace.